Loch Fyne - 25th / 27th March 2005
LOCH FYNE the movie
The cast
Simon - The Director/ stage manager
Pete - Acting dive marshal & author
Fiona - Deputy dive marshal & interpreter
Gary - Entertainment officer
Pippa & Neil - The doting couple & almost sport divers
Martine - The sinister nanny
Josie - The beleaguered mother and wife
Jake - The deer hunter
Connor - The whipping boy
Marissa & Cameron - The ghost hunters
Arkwright - The mischievous puppy & lipstick dispenser
Valley 1 - The boat, (purrs like a kitten, steers like a pig)
Scene 1
The cast assemble at the slip at the Argyll caravan park amidst much hilarity and humorous tales of sprig cables, McTavish & McTavish the yacht chandlers and police harassment. Alex at the dive shop allocates us a mooring (the furthest from the slip) and the boat is duly launched and moored for the night. The George in Inverary is the backdrop for the evening where food and several scoops are consumed, except Gary who finds the appeal of the chippy too powerful to overcome. Then it's back to the cottages for a nightcap and read through of tomorrows script (yeah right)
Scene 4
An early start at the slip and ready to go for 8 30am, give or take an hour or so. Gary forgets his pony and Simon shows off his Russian hat recently acquired in Berlin. In glorious sunshine, Capitan Vladimir Campbell edges the boat from the slip and down the Volga, er sorry, Loch Fyne, reminiscent of a Soviet assault craft in a scene from Hunt for Red October.
The rock face adjacent to Stallion Rock is the first dive site. Pippa and I are the first wave and she completes the 35metre dive for her sport diver qualification with flying colours, buoyancy completely under control. Textbook stuff. Squat lobbies, gobies and a nice dragonet are the only part players in this underwater scene. Simon and Neil are the next wave (though when Neil hits the water its more of a tsunami) shortly followed by Gary and Fiona. Neil also does his 35 m dive and Fiona's torch does a passable impression of a depth charge and explodes underwater. On the surface, we think they have actually found Red October.
We then steam down to the Tearoom to land Gary who has to perform his fatherly duties for the afternoon while the scene then switches to Froach Aoghainn Islands. We dive the southern tip of the islands and are met by carpets of brittle stars, plumose anemones and deadmens fingers.
On the way back to the slip, news reaches the boat of several houses and livestock being washed away on the opposite shore of the loch by a huge wave. The crew look at Neil who smiles sheepishly.
Back at the cottages Jake has wrestled an antler off his first deer and the other kids are being scared shitless by tales from the nanny about the ghost of Loch Fyne and a goblet that appears to be turning over and over by itself.
Scene 7
The Fern Point Hotel is the location for the filming of the night scene. The extras are watching Scotland taking a beating by Italy at football while the cast, (except Fiona) try to keep straight faces. Suitably fed and watered (except Gary who succumbs to the chippy again), the cast retreat through hoards of our Celtic cousins crying into their beer, to the safety of the cottages for more water?? and party tricks. Clocks and watches are put 1 hour forward. Oh bum! Less drinking time!
Scene 9
Today is the first official day of British summertime although you wouldn't know it. Under grey skies we try for a 40m dive at Kenmore point but only get 32 before we detour to the rock face. A nice pollack has a walk on part and Pippa finds a beauty of a dogfish that spooks her. I lose my tank boot when de-kitting in the water and search fruitlessly for 'das boot' but it seems I'm unable to go on dive trips without losing, breaking or ripping something. Simon, Neil and Fiona dive the second tsunami without incident, or so they say.
We arrive back at the slip to meet the rest of the cast at 12 30. Gary takes all the non-divers out for a spin in the boat while Arkwright takes Gary's brand new car for a test drive (photo) He soon tires of this and resorts to chewing the interior instead, the little scamp. On his return, Gary refuses to see the funny side of Arkwright's antics and sulks all afternoon.
We embark after lunch on the last dive of the trip but find the fuel gauge alarmingly low after Gary's excursion. We say nothing but suspect the boat has been involved in a daring daylight raid on the chippy in Inverary due to the newspaper wrappers littering the boat!!!
Scene13
Stallion Rock itself is the chosen location, so, to save our depleted fuel, the anchor is deployed and the engine cut. As Gary is cold due to a leaking suit on Saturday, he dons Simon's Russian hat and brings a gasp from the cast in the boat. I had always thought that he bore a striking resemblance to somebody but could never quite put my finger on it, but now it became all too apparent. It appears that Gary is the errant son of comrade Anatoly Arthurovski, a particularly brutal KGB officer who defected to the west prior to the Cuban Missile Crisis, lured by the promise of fast cars, fast women and fast food. Gary seems to have inherited his father's weaknesses (except for the first two).
Pippa and I dive first again and enjoy a pleasant 26m wall dive festooned with life and return to the boat via the anchor rope. After our dive Simon and Neil go in the second wave with Gary and Fiona following up. As Simon and Neil return to the boat we take a photo of them standing, waist deep, on Stallion Rock, Unfortunately it was breaking the surface before Neil stood on it!! Meanwhile the non-divers have been to Inverary Jail. Connor has been thrashed within an inch of his life by his brother. Jake has bagged his second deer and is sporting its skull and antlers with immense pride. Marissa thought she'd found a cool skateboard but was made to return it by the governess, er, sorry Josie, and poor Cameron found himself an Easter egg lighter after offering it to the nanny as a birthday present, fully expecting her not to accept it. But she did. Boo! Hiss!
Scene 19
The cast re-assemble at the slip as Valley 1 is extracted from the water (very slowly, as the winch handle has gone missing again) Is it the Loch Fyne Ghost again? Photos are taken of the cast to appear in the pages of Variety, (or is it the website) and we all return to the cottages. As some of the cast are leaving tonight to seek gainful employment elsewhere, Pippa tries to pay the bill for the accommodation. She returns totally baffled with a glazed expression on her face after a terminally confusing encounter with the scissor sisters who run the B & B. Farewells are exchanged with Simon and Fiona, Neil and Pippa and the boys. The remaining cast members decide what to do to celebrate Martine's birthday. Josie drives us all into town where we have a lovely meal in the Inverary Hotel. We sit in the conservatory so Arkwright can join us and are moved at the view of moonlight reflecting over the loch. The curtain falls to mark a perfect end to a cracking trip.
Epilogue
There is talk of a sequel hitting the screens this time next year so watch this space. The location is currently being booked so let's hope there are additional cast members and pray to God for a better script!!
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